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Instant! Maori, Paul (Paora) Walker & Nick Theobald
Writer & Writer
Reviewed by Virginia Winder (Courtesy of Taranaki Daily News)

Hurra-my, ma-heemy tuckoo rah. Say it out loud, and you've just delivered Clint Eastwood's famous line: "Go ahead, make my day." But in what language?

Maori, or to be more precise – Instant! Maori.
This wee (it was measured to slot into the back pocket of a pair of Levi's 501s) phrase book delivers the triple whammy, with English, Maori and the phonetic spelling so people can pronounce te reo correctly.

The red-covered book, featuring the Four Square man with tiki tongue, has been written by two men with Taranaki links. Nick Theobald, who went to school in Hawera, came up with the idea after a period living in Hong Kong. Paul (Paora) Walker, of Te Atiawa and Taranaki iwi, did most of the translations.
"The overall aim of the book is for people to have fun with the language," Walker tells me. But he admits not everyone will approve of Instant! Maori, which includes te reo translations of English swear words.
"I strongly suspect some people would be upset by the content of the book," he says. "One of the Maori mothers at my son's school, when she got the book, she got a bit of a surprise." The mum told Walker there were no swear words in the Maori language. He agreed, saying the Maori translations were more about explaining the actions, rather than being curses.

For example, in the weather section there is the Kiwi slang phrase: "It's pissing down." In his translation, Walker doesn't include the word mimi (urinate). Instead, he writes: "E tino heke ana te ua," which is closer to "hosing down".

The previous page gives people "exit strategies when surrounded by the Mongrel Mob". These can only be taken light-heartedly, with the most useful of the three phrases being: "Ki toku nei whakaaro kua waihotia e au tetahi mea i runga i te to." In English that means, "I think I've left something on the stove."

There are pages of one-liners for more likely circumstances. Next time you're heading to the Kumara Patch, try: "Hey tee-nor pie te tie car-re-car-re e haw." Translation: Surf's up dude.

Or if you're at the fish and chip shop: "Haw-my te hee-nuck-ee tomato e haw." Translation: Tomato sauce please.

There are some great pick-up lines, with one of the best for blokes being: "Hey pa-pa-ra-coat-ah maw nah tucker-tar-poo-ee ee corn-eh?" Go on, try it. But best to practise on a big Maori man, one fluent in te reo to get your pronunciation right.

Instant! Maori isn't all about being clever. It's also about feeling comfortable on a marae.
"If you go on marae visits, you will often hear the Lord's Prayer," Walker says.

The book also teaches people how to do a simple greeting, or mihi, in Maori. "It will help people conduct themselves with some modicum of decorum. I think it's important that people know at least the basics and know how to conduct themselves within other people's cultures."

Instant! Maori offers that, without being scary. It pokes fun at both pakeha and Maori cultures, beginning with The Instant! Top Ten Mispronunciations. No 1 is Tauranga: Toe-rung-ah, NOT Tow-wrong-ah. No 8 is haka: Huck-ah NOT Hah-car.

On that note, Te Rauparaha's haka (as used by the mighty men in black) is there, along with the National Anthem and Pokarekare Ana.

This is a backpack gem for any Kiwi heading on their O.E. or a great diversion on a long car journey – kids will love learning to talk about bodily functions in te reo.

Seriously though, this book is simply good (mostly clean) fun. And damn useful. Try: "Kei te nui te ahua o taku nono i roto i tenei?" or "Does my bum look big in this?"
But my favourite phrase of all sums up the tongue-in-cheek vein of Instant! Maori: "Caw e-ta-hee or ah-coo tee-nor haw he paa-ke-haa." Translation: Some of my best friends are pakeha.